Karen Jensen
All characters are a product of my imagination and any similarity to any person, real or fictional is purely coincidental.
I wish to thank Ananabelle Brito for reviewing and commenting on my story.
As always, please write a review, either positive or negative. I
Welcome all comments and try to learn from them. Thank you.
It was January 31, 1968, the day the Tet offensive started and my 18th birthday. Despite all the anti-war protests going on in the country, I was a firm believer that we were doing the right thing in Vietnam to fight communism and I was determined to do my part. I enlisted in the US Army with the intent of following my ancestors and fighting for my country. Back to the American Revolution, all my male forbears had fought for our country and I was determined to honor their memories.
I awoke early and was waiting at the recruiting office to enlist. After being sworn in, I was told to report the following Monday for a physical. If I passed I would be sent to basic training, giving me a long weekend to settle my affairs. Being 18 and living at home with my mother and nanny, (yes, I had a nanny, though by this time she was more of a companion for mother) I really had nothing to settle, save to convince my mother I had done the right thing.
My forbears had all earned medals for bravery. Unfortunately, they had all died in combat. My father had been killed in Korea, my grandfather in the WWII, and my great grandfather in WWI. I think you get the picture. I understood mother's opposition to my joining the army. I was not anxious to die, but I wanted to keep up the family tradition of serving my country. What I was not aware of were the lengths mother would go to in order to keep me out of combat.
We talked quite a bit the next few days and by Saturday I thought I could sense mother’s acceptance of my decision. We went out to dinner on Saturday night and had wine with dinner. Mother broke out the good brandy when we returned home.
Not being accustomed to consuming alcohol, I must have had too much to drink. I woke up Sunday morning with a terrific headache. The last thing I remembered was talking with mother and Abigail, my nanny. We were all in good spirits, or so I thought.
I tried to stand and realized I was bound to a chair. My hands were bound to the arms and my legs bound to the legs of the chair. There was a tightness I felt from my abdomen up to my chest. It was not an unfamiliar feeling. I looked down and saw that I was wearing a dress and the tightness I felt was caused by a corset that was wrapped firmly about me.
I was certain that mother and Abigail had done this to me in an effort to keep me from joining the Army. Their seeming acceptance of my decision to enlist had been a ruse and I had been a fool to accept it. I yelled for help. If neither mother nor Abigail would respond, then surely the maid would. I heard the door open and the light was turned on, momentarily blinding me. It was Abigail who responded.
"No one can hear you Martin. It is Margaret’s day off. Only your mother and I are in the house, so stop your screaming or I will have to gag you."
I nodded my acquiescence. I needed to try a different tactic.
"I need to use the bathroom."
"Go ahead. You are wearing a diaper. I will change you later. Now be quiet or I will gag you."
I said nothing. I did not want to be gagged and at the moment I had few options.
"Do you want the light on?"
"Yes, please."
She left, leaving me to contemplate my situation. I could not imagine what their plan for me was but I knew I would not like it. But why the girls' clothing I asked myself? This was hardly the first time I had been made to wear them, though it had been two years since they put me in skirts. In the past it was a means of punishment and I couldn't imagine their putting me in skirts for a few days would deter me from fulfilling my obligation.
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It was December 12, 1958 that would determine my life’s course, but of course, I did not know it at the time. I had been suspended from school, again. It was not the first time. This time, however, it was because of Katie Maloney. She was a cute red headed girl with the most beautiful green eyes, and I was infatuated with her. We had been close friends when we were younger, but I was at an age where I thought girls were creepy or at least I believed that was what I was supposed to think. We were walking into class and I lifted up her skirt in order to see her panties. I think every boy in the class laughed. It drew everyone’s attention and even those that had not seen her underwear were laughing and pointing at her. The teacher reported me to the principal and my punishment was suspension until after the Christmas break, 3 weeks away.
It was not my first suspension from school. When Abigail picked me up that day Miss Bennett, the principal, spoke to her about my behavior and informed her of my suspension. I knew mother would not be pleased and dreaded facing her when I got home.
I was sent to my room and told to wait there until dinner time. I could hear Abigail and mother talking, but could not make out their words. After a short while, from my bedroom window, I saw Abigail leave the house. I heard the door open and close when she returned about 2 hours later.
About ½ hour after that mother and Abigail came up to my room. Abigail was carrying packages.
“Martin, take off your clothes!” mother ordered me.
I wanted to protest being naked in front of them, but mother was clearly not in any mood to be argued with, so I stripped down to my briefs. She motioned for me to remove them as well. Neither of them had seen me naked in a couple of years. I was not anxious to break that precedent, but realizing I had no choice I obeyed. I saw her nod to Abigail who pulled out a pair of girls yellow panties from one of the packages and tried to give them to me. I was torn between taking them so they could cover my privates and refusing them because they were clearly not meant for a boy.
“Put them on!” ordered my mother.
“But they’re for girls.”
“You seem to be fascinated by girl’s clothing so that is what you will wear for awhile.”
“Please mother, don’t make me do that!”
“If I have to tell you again, I will get my hair brush.”
I understood her threat and reluctantly I took the panties from Abigail and put them on. Then she handed me a matching camisole which I also put on. I could feel my face burning from the humiliation I felt at wearing these dainty girlie items.
Two white petticoats were tied around my waist and a white party dress was slipped over my head. Abigail buttoned it up the back. I knew that the only way I would be able to remove it would be to tear it off and I did not want to consider the consequences of that action. I sat down to pull on a pair of white knee high socks and a pair of black Mary Jane shoes completed my outfit. The final item added was a long brown wig with Shirley Temple curls and a big white bow on top. By that time I was crying freely. When my tears had subsided, mother led me to her bedroom and forced me to look at myself in the full length mirror. I immediately burst into tears again. Looking back at me was a very cute little girl.
I turned and ran back to my room crying. Abigail was waiting for me.
“Now you see how bad boys are punished where I was born and raised.”
“I hate you!” I cried.
“I don’t doubt it. But now you have something else you have to do.”
“Wh..what?”
“You have to go to Katie’s house and apologize to her.”
I nodded and thinking I could now put on my own clothes, quickly got my tears under control.
“Ok. I will change my clothes.”
“No! You will go as you are.”
I was horrified. I looked at her, waiting to see her laugh at the joke, but no laughter was forthcoming. Just then mother walked into the room. I ran to her and begged her not to make me go to Katie in a dress.
“Martin, you brought this on yourself. Having Katie see you is part of your punishment.”
“I don’t think we should call him Martin, dressed as he is” said Abigail.
“No. Of course you are right. Any suggestions?” asked mother.
“Did you have a girl’s name picked out before he was born?”
Mother smiled.
“Yes. She would have been named Emma.”
“Then I think that Emma it is.”
“No!” I said and stamped my foot. “I am not Emma and I will not wear this dress any longer.”
I reached behind me to try to unfasten the buttons and was rewarded with slap to my face from mother.
“You will stay dressed as you are and we will walk over to Katie’s house where you will apologize. Do you understand Emma? Otherwise I will spank you with my hair brush and then you will still have to walk to Katie’s and apologize. So what will it be?”
“I will go with you.” I replied knowing mother would not back down. A fresh set of tears streamed down my cheeks.
Abigail then taught me to curtsey and made me practice it a few times until I got it right. I was ordered to curtsey when apologizing and whenever an adult spoke to me. Things were just getting worse in my mind and I really wished I had not picked up Katie’s skirt.
It was a cold evening and a light a snow was falling. Mother put a girl’s coat on me along with a bonnet. Both were fur lined and were quite warm. I put galoshes on over my shoes and wore mittens. Mother took my hand treating me as a little girl and we walked the three blocks to Katie’s house. As we turned onto the street on which Katie lived, I begged mother once again not to make me do this dressed as I was, but she shushed me and marched me up to the door where she firmly knocked on it.
Mrs. Maloney answered the door and warmly greeted mother with a peck on her cheek. Then she looked at me, but did not seem to recognize me.
“And who have we here?” she asked mother.
“Dressed as he is, we call him Emma, but it is Martin. We have come so he can apologize to Katie for his behavior at school today.”
She looked closely at me and smiled, increasing my nervousness.
“Well, I wouldn’t have known him dressed as he is.”
Turning to me she said “You do make a very pretty girl, Emma.”
This caused me to blush even more and increased my anxiety.
“Thank Mrs. Maloney for the compliment, Emma!” mother declared.
“Thank you ma’am” I responded and dropped a curtsey for her.
She smiled at me and I felt my face turn red.
“Please, come in and let me take your coats.”
Mrs. Maloney took our coats and gloves, and waited while mother removed my bonnet.
“That is such a pretty dress, Emma” she said.
Knowing the expected response I thanked her and dropped another curtsy.
“You may leave your boots in the vestibule and wait in the living room while I fetch Katie.”
I made one last appeal to mother, hoping we could leave before Katie appeared, but again it fell on deaf ears.
Katie took one look at me and burst out laughing. I felt tears once again in my eyes and was unable to stop myself from crying. Katie finally stopped her laughing and just stood there looking at me. When I got myself under control mother merely nodded at me and I knew what I was supposed to do. I grabbed my skirt and dropped a curtsey to Katie. That caused her to giggle and my embarrassment increased.
Half crying I said “I’m sorry for what I did to you at school today Katie. Please forgive me. I promise I will never do anything like that again. Can we be friends like we once were? Please?”
She stood there staring at me and not saying a word. Finally, prompted by her mother she said “I accept your apology and as long as you don’t embarrass me again, we can be friends.”
“Good. Now Katie, take Emma up to your room while Mrs. Coleman and I chat for awhile.”
“Emma?” she said and giggled a bit more.
“Yes, that is what he is called when dressed like a girl.”
Smiling, she took my hand and led me upstairs to her room. We sat on her bed and said nothing for a few moments. My concern at that point was her telling my friends at school about my dressing like a girl. I would not be able to face them if she decided to tell them.
“Katie?”
Yes, EMMA” she said, emphasizing my girlie name and laughing. She was obviously enjoying my discomfort.
“Katie, please don’t say anything at school about how I’m dressed.” I begged her.
“We were really good friends until about 6 months ago. What happened? Why have you been so mean to me?”
“I dunno. I guess it’s cause everyone would tease me if I were too friendly with a girl.”
“That will have to change. I liked having you as my best friend. Don’t you like me at all?”
“Yes, I do. I really do like you. And I always thought of you as my best friend too.”
“Well then, you’re gonna have to prove it to me.”
“I’ll do anything. I mean it. Just don’t tell anyone about how I’m dressed. Please.”
“Anything?”
“Yes, anything.”
“No more teasing me, or any of my friends. If some other boy teases one of us then I expect you to stand up for us.”
“Yes, Katie.”
“You will carry my books to and from school, every day.”
“Yes Katie.”
“And when I ask you to come here, or I go to your house, you will wear a dress.”
“I started to object but before I got two words out she interrupted me.”
“I guess you didn’t mean you would do anything, did you?”
“No, I did.”
I swallowed hard. Realizing she had already seen me dressed like a girl, I quickly decided that her conditions were better than the alternative of having her blab to all my friends.
“I will wear a dress when I am with you.” I replied.
“Good. Now that we have that settled there is one more thing you will do for me.”
She stood and went to a shelf that contained several dolls. She took one off the shelf and turned to me, smiling. I got very uncomfortable. She handed me the doll and then went into her closet. She took something out of a box and handed it to me. It was a doll’s dress.
She told me to remove the dress that the doll was wearing and replace it with the one she gave me. Not wanting to upset her I obeyed and in few minutes had the doll wearing the new dress. I started to give the doll and the dress back to her but she refused to take it.
“You will take the doll home along with the extra dress. When we play again, whether here or at your house, the doll should have had her dress changed. That way I will know you played with the doll.”
Before I could respond I heard my mother calling me. It was time to go home. Carrying the doll and the dress I walked down the stairs with Katie following me. She explained to our mothers that she had given me her doll and both smiled approvingly. I was stuck with it and would have to follow Katie’s instructions. I put on my coat and boots and suffered one last humiliation before leaving when Katie insisted on tying my bonnet under my chin.
With the light on I finally got to see what I was wearing. It was a bright green dress, one I had not seen before. It was clearly new which meant that mother and Abigail had been planning this. I had never been secretive about my desire to enlist and I guessed this was their way of preventing me from doing so. I was wearing stockings and what seemed to be several layers of petticoats. I could see that the black boots I wore were feminine and had a slight heel of perhaps 1 - 2 inches. Clearly I was wearing a wig as I could feel the hair tickling my neck in the back.
I really did have to use the bathroom. I held out as long as I could, but eventually had to let go and wet the diaper. I knew I would be greatly embarrassed when I had to admit it to Abigail and suffer her changing me.
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I dressed as a girl full time until my suspension was over. Katie and I played together quite a lot during the Christmas break and though I didn’t like wearing dresses, I forced myself to adapt to wearing them. It was a great relief to be able to wear pants when I returned to school. Since I often got together with Katie, whenever she demanded it, I found myself in skirts 2 or 3 times a week. Neither her mother nor mine objected to my feminization. Mother began using it as punishment for any offenses, real or imagined. I began to think she would have preferred it had I been born a girl.
Abigail too liked seeing me as a girl and would look for any excuse to dress me as one. I often wonder now if that was long range planning for what they would put me through later. In any case, my wardrobe contained far more dresses then needed, though they made sure I wore every one of them.
By the time I was 13, I had developed small breasts, like a girl of my age. The doctor called it gynecomastia and said that it should go away on its own. At that time Katie got her first bra. That also meant that I too started wearing bras when dressed as a girl. Of course, they were padded and made my breasts more prominent. Katie loved that I had breasts but was jealous since mine were bigger than hers. That only added to my humiliation. We did play with each other’s breasts on occasion and I found mine to be quite sensitive. She had kept her word, however, and no one at school knew about my feminization at home.
For her 14th birthday she sent an invitation for her party to Emma. I protested to Abigail and mother that I didn’t want to go, but they were insistent that I could not insult Katie by refusing to attend. This was particularly scary since there would almost certainly be kids there who knew me and I was sure that they would recognize me. It would be the end of my life as I knew it.
Mother bought me a party dress for the occasion and put makeup on me for the first time. For only the second time in my life I had to appear in public as a girl. Since I had previously only dressed in front of mother, Abigail, Katie and her mom and dad. I was petrified. I was sure that everyone who saw me knew I was boy in a dress and makeup. Mother walked me to Katie’s house and kept telling me to stop looking down. People we passed on the street did not seem to notice anything different about me but that did nothing for my confidence. I would be with kids that knew me as Martin at the party and I knew it was something I would never live down.
To explain my resemblance to Martin, I was introduced to the other kids as his cousin from across town. They seemed to accept me as the girl I appeared to be. There were some embarrassing moments, however. The worst were when we played a kissing game which required me to go into a closet with a boy and kiss him. I had to do this three times. The first time was with Sheldon and I think he was as embarrassed as I was though, obviously, for different reasons. Though we had to stay in the closet for 3 minutes, he just gave me a peck on the lips and we stood there until the time was up.
The second boy I had to kiss was Luke. He was a bit more aggressive. He wrapped his arms around me and held me tightly while we kissed for the full three minutes. He actually French kissed me but when I tried to pull back he withdrew his tongue.
The last boy, Derek, was the worst. He wasted no time sticking his tongue into my mouth. Before I could even think of pulling back his hand found its way to my ass. He pushed me against a wall and I felt his hand pick up my skirt in the back and caress my ass through my panties. He was much stronger than I was and I could not get him off me. Fortunately someone knocked on the door before he could go any further and when he stepped back I slapped his face, not thinking at the time how girly that action was.
The only saving grace was that no one seemed to know me and accepted that I was Emma, my own cousin. I was relieved when Abigail showed up to walk me home.
About 6 months later Katie’s family moved as her father was expanding his business to another city. I had mixed emotions about it. I really did like Katie. I may have even been in love with her. Despite her insistence that I dress as a girl in her presence, she really had been my best friend. We corresponded for some time but gradually it fell off until there were no more letters. Mother and Abigail, however, continued using petticoat punishment on me until I was about 16, often taking me out to restaurants or plays. It was pure luck that we never ran into anyone who knew me.
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So now I found myself, for the first time in 2 years, dressed as a girl. The most embarrassing part was having urinated in the diaper that Abigail had so conveniently put me in.
I must have fallen asleep when the sound of the door opening awakened me. I could feel the cold wet diaper in my groin which added to the discomfort I felt being tied up the way I was. She untied me and freed me from the chair. I was stiff from the hours of being tied in the same position and was too weak to stand on my own. Abigail helped me up and then had me lay down on the carpet. She lifted my dress and petticoats and removed the diaper. With a warm cloth she washed and then dried me. Her touch caused a predictable reaction from me which made me blush and caused her to smile. She produced a clean pair of panties which she slipped up my legs.
She helped me stand and arrange my skirts. I was starting to regain feeling in my limbs but was still unsteady on my feet. She held onto me as we left the basement and climbed the stairs to the front room. Mother was there with her coat on.
“Do you need to use the bathroom Emma? We will be in the car for several hours.”
“Where are we going?”
“You will find out when we get there. Now hurry up.”
When I came out of the bathroom, Abigail fetched a girls cloak from the closet and helped me into it. I was contemplating making a break and running from there, but realized that dressed as I was I would not get far. I resigned myself to go with them and hoped I could figure out how to escape later.
Abigail donned her own coat and the two of them led me out of the house. The car was parked right in front of the house. Edwin, the chauffeur, lifted me by the waist, over a puddle and deposited me onto the back seat as if I were a little girl. While he didn’t say anything, the smirk on his face told me all I needed to know about what he thought of me.
I had no idea what time it was when we left, but it was dark, so I assumed it was early evening. I guessed that the time had been chosen so that there would less chance of any neighbors witnessing my abduction, if you could call it that. I was surprised to see Abigail get into the driver’s seat and mom get into the front passenger seat leaving me alone in the back. It was unusual for us to go anywhere in the car without Edwin driving. I was given a sandwich and a bottle of soda since I hadn’t eaten all day.
After about two hours we pulled into a motel parking lot just off the highway and mother went into the office to get us a room. When she came out she held two keys. I hoped that meant I had a single room so I could figure out how to escape but mother had a different plan. Mother took a private room and I was to share a room with Abigail. I had to undress in front of Abigail but was relieved to have the corset removed. I was given purple baby doll pajamas to wear to bed. I fell asleep almost immediately.
Abigail awoke me early and we quickly got dressed and left the motel. I wore a short black A-line skirt and white blouse with, of course, appropriate feminine underwear. Once again, Abigail took the wheel and we were off before first light.
We stopped for a potty break after about 2 hours and switched drivers with mother taking the wheel. There were few people there but I still was hesitant about using the ladies’ room. Abigail told me we still had quite a ways to go and if I preferred she would put a diaper on me. That made up my mind for me. This went on all day as we switched drivers several times and stopped for breakfast and for lunch. I tried to find out from mother and Abigail where they were taking me, but my queries fell on deaf ears. After awhile, I gave up asking and tried to think if there was any way of escaping which would not involve my total humiliation or worse.
It was late afternoon when we pulled into a motel parking lot. Once again, Mother took a private room and I was to share a room with Abigail. After unloading our suitcases in our rooms we found a restaurant for dinner. While no one seemed to notice that I was a boy, I did get stared at from some of the men in the café as if they were looking at a pretty girl. It was uncomfortable to say the least.
When we returned to the motel Abigail handed me a nightgown and told me to change my clothes. I got into bed thinking that when she was asleep I would see if there was anything I could wear to make my escape. Though I knew her clothes would be big, I figured she had to have pants that I could make work. When I tried to open her suitcase it was locked. I searched her pocketbook but could not find the key. Then I noticed a chain around her neck with two keys on it. Obviously one was for my suitcase and the other was for hers. I briefly contemplated running away in my nightgown but realized the futility of it. It was mid-winter and I would likely freeze to death. I decided that the best course of action would be to wait till we arrived at our destination and figure out at that time how to get away.
We followed the same pattern for the next two days until we pulled up in front of a house. I had been sleeping in the back seat and was not sure what city we were in.
“We have arrived Emma. Grab your suit case and let’s go!”
“Where are we?” I asked.
Mother merely smile at me and motioned me to walk up the path to the front door. I looked back at mother and she ordered me to ring the bell. Holding my breath I did just that. I was incredibly nervous not knowing what was about to happen. It was only a few seconds when I heard the sound of heels walking towards the door. The door opened and a lady about mother’s age stood there.
“Well hello Emma” she said with a big smile on her face. “Welcome to my home.”
As she stood aside to allow us to enter I recognized her as Mrs. Maloney, Katie’s mom.
“Mrs. Maloney! H..hello.”
She wrapped her arms around me giving me a big hug.
Then she called out “Katie, your girlfriend is here.”
I heard footsteps approaching and suddenly Katie appeared before me. I was taken aback by her appearance. She had always been very feminine when I knew her, wearing pretty dresses and having long hair with ribbons in it matching the color of her dress. But now her hair was very short and androgynous. She wore no makeup and was wearing jeans and a flannel shirt.
I was speechless as she put her arms around me and gave me a big hug, even lifting me off the floor. I was surprised at her strength and for a moment thought she would crush me before she released me and held me at arm’s length. I felt very weak and effeminate standing in front of her in the frilly dress I was wearing. After greeting mother and Abigail, she grabbed my hand.
“Come Emma! I will show you to your room.”
She grabbed my suitcase and led me upstairs. The room she showed me was ultra feminine with white carpet, a queen sized canopy bed and furniture consisting of a vanity, a dresser, and 3 chairs, all painted pink. On the wall were pictures of ballerinas and a book shelf with books by Louisa May Alcott, Jane Austen, etc. The room was perfect for a young girl.
“Well, how do you like it, Emma?”
“It’s not what I would have expected.” I answered, trying to be polite. It reminded me of Katie’s old room.
She smiled at me and sat on the bed. She waved to me to join her and smoothing out my skirt as I had been taught I sat next to her. We sat in silence for a couple of minutes just staring at each other.
Finally, I asked her “Why am I here and dressed like this?”
“To hide you” was her response.
“From who?”
“You are wanted by the FBI’s as a draft dodger?”
“I’ll go to them and explain what happened. Then I will go into the army and serve like my father, grandfather, and all my male ancestors before me.”
“Are you going to tell them that your mommy and nanny dressed you up like girl and made you run away? Do you have any idea what that sounds like?”
I realized that even though it was true, it sounded very farfetched and would make me look ridiculous.
“They will either induct you and send you to Vietnam, put you in prison, or lock you away in a mental hospital. None of those outcomes will be for your benefit.”
“So am I supposed to live here as a girl?”
“Yes. The story is that your parents disappeared while overseas and you have come to live with us.”
“But why here? And what am I supposed to do while I am here? I can’t just sit around the house.”
“Mom and I agreed that we want you with us. We always thought of you as part of our family. You can’t very well live at home. That is the first place the authorities will look for you. As far as what you will do while you are here, you have a job interview the day after tomorrow. Unless you really fuck it up the job is yours. It is with a friend of mama’s who knows all about you. It is a low level job but will keep you occupied.”
Katie gave me a broad smile. I realized she was enjoying my predicament.
“Why can’t my disguise be another guy?”
“You are here to hide from the authorities, don’t you realize that? None of us want you in the army where you might get yourself killed. It is much easier to change your appearance to be a girl. Besides, I prefer you as Emma”
“But I will never be able to pass. I will be found out the first day, probably in the first 5 minutes.”
“OK, listen to me Emma. You can not pose as a girl, you must be a girl. You are already more girl then boy. You have breasts. You are an A cup, small for a girl of your age, but far larger than a normal boy’s. Your mannerisms are quite feminine. In fact, if I were to dress you in boys’ clothes and take you out in public people would assume you were queer. You must be a girl mentally and emotionally as well. Face it! You are already wanted by the FBI. With the way you look you will not survive in prison. I, for one, would be very sad to see anything happen to you.”
At that moment Mrs. Maloney called up to tell us dinner was ready. Katie took my hand and led me downstairs to the dining room. Mother and Abigail had already left, starting on their journey back home and leaving me to my fate. I was quiet during dinner thinking about what Katie had said to me. I was not happy about the situation but realized the truth of her statement
That evening I got up the courage to ask Katie about her changed appearance; specifically why she had cut her hair so short and was dressing so androgynously.
“It’s really quite simple. I never liked the frilly dresses and lacy panties I wore and I hated my long hair. My dad always called me his little princess and insisted that I dress that way and I keep my hair long and curly. I loved my dad and to please him I dressed as he wanted and kept my hair long. After he died I decided I would be my real self. This is who I really am. Before you ask I do not want to be a boy. I am just not comfortable being a girly girl.”
I was not comfortable being a girly girl either, but I had no choice in the matter.
The next morning at breakfast I was informed that we would be going shopping for clothes, since my female wardrobe was rather sparse. Mrs. Maloney told me to call her Auntie Bridget. I had never gone shopping as a girl and was petrified. I asked if they couldn’t just pick out clothes for me but was informed that all girls liked to shop and in any case I needed to try on the clothes.
Both she and Katie took me to the stores. First we looked at clothes appropriate for the office. My fear of being found out caused me to cling tightly to Katie. I lost count of how many dresses, skirts, jackets, and blouses I tried on but by the time we were done and made our purchases I had enough to fill my closet.
I thought we were finished, but it seems like we had just begun. I also needed panties, bras, slips, nightgowns, shoes, nylons, etc. I think the reality of my situation finally hit me as we purchased all that clothing. I was clearly going to be living as a girl for the foreseeable future unless I turned myself in and that was not a viable option. I resolved at that moment that I would be a girl until I could figure out another plan.
When we got home Katie helped me to put our purchases away. It took nearly over an hour and we were both exhausted by the time we finished.
For the interview I wore a blue skirt suit with a pleated skirt that was about 4 inches above my knees. My underwear consisted of white nylon panties, white bra and camisole and nude pantyhose. Under the jacket I wore a pink translucent blouse which clearly showed the lacy camisole I wore underneath. On my feet were navy pumps with 2 inch heels. I reluctantly had to agree with Auntie Bridget and Katie that I looked pretty good and it was impossible to see the boy in me.
Auntie Bridget drove me to the interview and waited for me at the coffee shop downstairs from the office. The interview was with a Mrs. O’Hara who was the office manager. She complimented me on the way I was dressed and explained that were I to be found out, she would deny all knowledge of my impersonation and I would be fired immediately. That said, she told me that she thought I made not only a very passable girl, but a pretty one at that. She also told me that she was doing this favor because she was against the war and was happy to keep me from possibly getting killed. Then she warned me that the men in the office had roaming hands and to keep my cool if I had my ass pinched or slapped.
“It is, after all, a man’s world” she told me.
The job was a low level job. My duties including filing, bringing coffee to any of the executives who asked, set up conference rooms for meetings, and basically to help anyone who requested my assistance. I was clearly the low man ..er girl on the totem pole. The job paid minimum wage. I would start the following Monday.
Not having a car, or even a driver’s license I had to take a bus to work. That in itself was a stressful the first week or so as I saw it as a greater opportunity for my true gender being discovered. The first day at work was spent largely learning the job and meeting the people I would be working with. I did some filing and brought coffee to a few of the executives. I had to learn how each person took their coffee so it would be served to them with the right amount of sugar and cream.
The first problem I ran into was when I delivered coffee to Mr. Thomas, a vice-president of the company. I bent over to place the coffee on his side table, but before I could stand up straight he smacked my ass. I jumped and squealed just like a little girl. My face turned red and he laughed and then dismissed me.
His secretary had heard me squeal and took me aside. After ‘I told her what had happened she explained that many of the men thought it appropriate to slap or pinch a girl’s ass. It was something to which I would have to get accustomed. She suggested that I wear a panty girdle to minimize the discomfort. I was grateful when the day ended and when I got home I discovered that my ass had 2 black and blue marks where it had been pinched. After that day I took her advice and wore a panty girdle though I hated the way it crushed my boy bits. It did not prevent the slaps on my ass but as she had suggested, it did minimize the discomfort.
The first week went rather quickly and the realization that no one seemed to recognize my real gender allowed me to relax a bit. At home, Katie and I spent allot of time together and when we had some private time we made out. There was no sex between us. Katie was clearly the dominant partner and I often found myself on her lap where she would tease me, but not allow me to orgasm. I thought I should take charge but dressed in my feminine finery as I was, and with her wearing the pants, I found it impossible to be aggressive.
On Monday of the second week I met Zack. Like me, he was 18 and worked in the mailroom. Unlike the other men in the office, he treated me well and never made any attempt to grab my ass or do anything inappropriate. We soon became friends, having lunch together and chatting during coffee breaks. I found that my change of attitude made me more comfortable with my female persona and I was happy to have a new friend. Of course, I thought we were only friends and did not want or expect anything else.
A few months later, when he asked if I wanted to grab a bite to eat and go to a movie one Friday after work, I accepted. It coincided with Katie’s and Aunt Bridget’s plans to go away for the weekend to a family reunion, so I didn’t have to worry about any embarrassing questions from them.
We shared a pizza and then went to see “Yellow Submarine”. We wore both big fans of the Beatles and enjoyed the movie. Afterward we stopped for ice cream. He allowed me to split the cost of the pizza and pay for myself at the movies, but insisted on buying me the ice cream. By that time I had to catch the last bus or I would have had to take a taxi home which I was not really able to afford.
Zack asked me where I lived and when I told him he offered to drive me home. He claimed it was on his way. I smiled and thanked him and when he took my hand to lead me to his car I felt it would be impolite to pull back. We walked hand in hand to his car. In my naivety I did not realize that he might be looking at me as more than just a friend. He held the door open for me. Katie had schooled me to keep my legs together and swing them around when getting in and out of a car so as not to display my underwear to the whole world. If he was expecting a show he would have been disappointed. I did notice that his eyes were on mine the whole time. He was not looking for a cheap thrill.
When we got to Katie’s house I thanked him for the ride and turned to open the car door. He grabbed my hand and turned me towards him.
“I had a really nice time tonight Emma. “
“Me too” I replied, smiling at him.
“Wait!” he said.
He got out of the car and walked around to my side. He opened the door and held out his hand to help me out. He took my hand and walked me to the door. I reached into my purse to get my keys, but before I could grab them he put his hand on my shoulders and gently turned me towards him. Before I realized what he was doing he leaned over and kissed me gently on the lips. I was stunned and did not react. I just stared at him. He apparently took that as sign to continue so he wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me to him. This time his kiss was a bit more forceful and his tongue penetrated my mouth.
I felt a kind of tingle go through my body. It was a quite pleasant and was unlike any feeling I had when kissing Katie. I responded instinctively when I wrapped my arms around his neck and returned his kiss with the same passion I was receiving from him. Our bodies were in close contact and I could feel his erection against my belly. It jarred me and I broke the kiss while stepping back from him. I grabbed my keys and unlocked the door before turning back to face him.
“Good night Zack. I had a really nice time.” I said.
“I did too. Good night Emma.” he replied, smiling.
I watched as he got into his car and drove off as I tried to make sense of what had happened and why I had allowed it. I noticed the discomfort I was feeling in my panties as I too had been trying to get erect. I was grateful I was wearing my panty girdle. I suddenly felt the chill in the air and quickly let myself into the house.
I did not sleep very well that night. I had never had any interest in boys and my reaction to his kiss frightened me. My emotions swung from being elated at how the evening went to being scared and depressed about how it went. I was in love with Katie, or so I thought. Yet I had actively kissed this boy and felt good doing it. By early morning I decided I would not continue with Zack. We could remain friends if he was satisfied with that, but no more than that. The decision was hard, but I knew nothing could come of any relationship and I was being unfair to him.
I finally fell asleep in the wee hours and did not get up till 11:00. I lay in bed for awhile trying to decide what I would do that day when Zack called. He had two tickets to the show Hair and wanted to know if I would go with him. It was a show I had really wanted to see and I completely ignored the decision I made during the night.
“Yes, yes! I really want to see that show. Thank you! Thank you!” I replied.
“Great!” He responded. “I will pick you up at 6:00 and we can grab a bite before the show.”
It was an hour later that I came down from the high that his invitation had given me when I started to think of all the possible ramifications. I was committed, however, and, in any case, I did not have his phone number even if I wanted to cancel our date. I resolved that this would be the last one, though I had no idea how I would tell him.
As the time drew near for me to get ready I was filled with anxiety. I wanted to see the show and despite knowing what I was doing was wrong and that I had to end it, I really wanted to be with him one last time. I hadn’t even considered how awkward it might be seeing him at work.
Without thinking about the implications of how I was dressing, I put on black silk panties with a matching bra and camisole, black tights, a black leather a-line mini skirt and a red translucent blouse. It was very sexy. I normally did not wear my panty girdle on the weekends, but considering my reaction to him the previous evening, I slipped it on under my skirt. I wore black sandals with three inch heels which would still leave me a few inches shorter than Zack. I took extra care with my makeup. My hair was in a high ponytail tied off with a red ribbon. I left tendrils hanging on each side. When I was finished, I saw a pretty, sexy girl staring back at me in the mirror. It was only then that I asked myself why I had dressed like that.
At that moment the doorbell rang and any thoughts I may have had of changing my clothes went out the window. I grabbed my purse and a short jacket and slowly made my way downstairs to open the door. Zack was wearing black jeans and a shirt with the top 2 buttons open, displaying his manly chest hair.
“Wow!” he said. “Emma, you look beautiful!”
I felt myself blush. He put his arms around me and gave me a gentle kiss on the lips. I once again felt that tingle run through me. I was seriously attracted to him, which only confused me more, and was going to make the breakup that much more painful.
He took my jacket from me and helped me into it. Then he took my hand and led me to his car, opening the door and waiting for me to get in before closing it and walking to the driver’s side.
We stopped for burgers and sodas and though I offered, Zack was adamant that he was treating me. This just made me feel worse about having to tell him that it was over between us. Despite the sadness I felt I was able to focus on the show and really did enjoy it. Several times he took my hand and I felt the same thrill go through my body. When the show ended I invited him to come back to the house for dessert, heading off any attempt he would make to treat me. I really was determined to end it.
He held the car door open for me and took my hand when we walked to the house. The way he treated me was making it so much harder.
“Emma, before we do anything else I have something I need to tell you” he said after we removed our jackets.
It sounded ominous. He took my hand and led me to the sofa. He bade me to sit and he did the same. He took both of my hands in his.
“Emma, I have received my draft notice. I am supposed to report on Monday for my physical. There is no reason why I would not pass it.”
I was stunned. We had never talked about how he had avoided the draft to that point. I never really thought about it and if asked, I guess I would have assumed he had some medical or another condition that exempted him.
“I will not be reporting” he continued. “I am leaving tomorrow for Canada. I don’t know if or when I will ever be back.”
I felt my eyes tearing. It was the last thing I expected to happen that night. He was looking in my eyes and when he saw my tears he wrapped his arms around me. I began to cry and he pulled me closer to him. He held me for awhile until I cried myself out. He took out his handkerchief and wiped away my tears.
“I really like you Emma. I wish we had more time to see where we could go with our relationship. Maybe you could come to Canada to visit me once I get settled?”
I smiled at the thought and reacting emotionally without thinking, I nodded.
“We can write to each other” he suggested.
Again I nodded, still unable to speak. He pulled me to him and kissed me gently on the lips.
“Now, how about that dessert you promised me!”
“Yes sir!” I said and saluted “but first let me fix my makeup.”
I repaired my eyes and served us ice cream and brownies, which Aunt Bridget had baked for me before she and Katie left. After eating we returned to the sofa to be close to each other.
We did some heavy petting and before long I felt his hand on my breast through my blouse. It felt so good. He started opening my blouse and when I did not make any effort to stop him, he opened it completely and removed it. He reached behind my back, unbuckled my bra, and tossed it on the floor. Then he leaned over and sucked on my breasts. I had never felt anything like it and could feel my own penis trying to respond in the confines of my panty girdle.
A quick glance at his groin told me he was already erect. I could see where he wanted to go with this and knew I had to short circuit his effort or the evening would be a complete disaster. I put my hands on his shoulders and pushed him away. I smiled at him and while looking in his eyes, I reached over and unbuckled his belt. I leaned over and kissed him on the lips. I unbuckled his pants and started pulling them down. He lifted his ass to allow me to pull them down to his ankles.
He picked me up and sat me crosswise on his lap and cradled me in one arm. We kissed for a few seconds and I felt his hand on my thigh. I felt a brief moment of panic when he moved it slowly under my skirt towards my groin. I put my hand on his to stop it and looking in his eyes I shook my head.
“I can’t do that Zack. I am still a virgin and I’m not ready.”
In truth, I wanted him to do to me what I was about to do to him, but I knew that could not happen. He nodded his understanding and removed his hand. I was determined to give him relief, however, so I slid off of his lap and knelt on the floor. I pulled down his boxers and was stunned at the size of his cock. It had to be a few inches longer and quite a bit thicker than mine. It was already leaking pre cum.
I looked up at him and smiled. He had his head back and his eyes were closed. I wrapped my fist around him and slowly pumped him. He moaned and said “that feels so good.”
I continued pumping him.
“Will you lick it?” he asked me. “It’s ok if you don’t want to” he added.
I don’t know why I did it. I had never fantasized about being with a boy and certainly never about sucking cock, but I did. I licked the head tasting the pre cum that had formed. It was not unpleasant. I took the head of his cock into my mouth, running my tongue up and down the underside.
“That feels so good” he said.
I decided I would see what it was like to have him cum in my mouth and sped up my pace. I felt the first eruption. It slid easily down my throat and was followed by several more before he was dry. It would be much later that night what I had done would hit me.
He once again lifted me onto his lap where we kissed and cuddled. He put his hand on my left breast and caressed it softly, playing with my nipple. I could not believe the feeling. I even felt it in my groin. I knew I would be in trouble if I let him continue. Reluctantly I placed my hand on his and gently pulled it away from my breast. I shook my head to tell him to stop and kissed him.
He held me close to him, neither of us it seemed wanted to part. I have no idea how long we sat on the sofa with me on his lap, but finally it was time for him to go.
“I will miss you Emma and I will write to you if you like”.
“Oh yes” I replied “and I will write back.
I got up from his lap and put on my blouse, leaving my bra on the floor. I walked him to the door where he took me in his arms for one final kiss before leaving.
I watched him walk to his car. He turned and waved before getting in. I watched as he drove away, with tears streaming down my face.
I got little sleep that night my thoughts alternating with wanting him to go and wishing he were not going. I also did not know what I would do about Katie. We had seemed to be getting closer and before this weekend I hoped we would be together and was certain it was what I wanted. Now I wasn’t so sure, despite knowing that any relationship between Zack and me was impossible, I suddenly had doubts about my relationship with Katie. I did not feel the passion with her as I had with Zack.
The next day Katie telephoned around noon and told me they would be home in a couple of hours. I had no appetite and other than dinner with Zack, had not eaten the whole day before they came home. Katie took one look at me and knew something was wrong. She took my hand and dragged me to my room. She sat me down on the bed and sat next to me.
“Alright” she said “out with it! What happened? And don’t say ‘nothing’! I can see by the look on your face that something is wrong.”
I burst into tears. She put her arms around me and hugged me until my tears subsided. I told her about going for pizza and the movie with Zack on Friday night and about going to the theater with him on Saturday. I told her about our kissing and holding each other. I did not tell her about giving him a blow job, though I admitted to her that I masturbated him and that he played with my breasts.
“So do you think you are a homosexual?”
“I..I don’t know.”
“So is that everything?” she asked.
“There is one other thing” I replied. “When he caressed my nipples I.. um got hard, or at least tried to. My panty girdle kind of prevented it.”
“Not surprising” she responded.
“Why do you say that?”
“Because caressing a girl’s breast is a sexual turn on. Didn’t you know that?”
“But I am not a girl, or have you forgotten? I am just pretending.”
“Of course I haven’t forgotten, but the female hormones you have been taking have caused your breasts to grow and become very sensitive. They have also messed with your emotions. Are you aware you cry a lot more easily now?
“What female hormones?”
“Didn’t you know?”
I shook my head, unable to speak.
“Oh dear! The little pink pills you take every morning with your vitamins are birth control pills. They are loaded with female hormones and they have caused your breasts to grow like a pubescent girl. I am surprised you can still get an erection.”
Mother had started me on vitamins over a year ago at the suggestion of her doctor. She gave me several every morning and I took them without questioning her. I thought that my enlarged breasts were due to my gynecomastia. Now I wondered I indeed I had gynecomastia.
“You knew about it and didn’t say anything!”
“I’m sorry Emma. I assumed you knew.”
“Get out of here! You knew I didn’t want to be a girl. I am only doing this so I don’t get arrested for draft dodging. You are probably enjoying seeing my breasts grow. You have always enjoyed seeing me in skirts. What’s next? Cutting off my genitals and making me into a real girl or some facsimile.”
“I’m really sorry Emma. I..I really did think you knew. I guess I wasn’t thinking….”
“I guess not” I said and began crying anew as the realization hit me.
Katie tried to hug me but I pushed her away and told her to leave. When she was gone I locked myself in my room, I lied down on the bed and cried myself to sleep. I woke up early evening and heard the TV playing. I changed into a nightie and crawled back into bed. Again I did not sleep much and spent the night analyzing my relationship with Katie. I recognized that it had been one of her dominating me and telling me what to do and when to do it ever since I started dressing like a girl for her. It hadn’t been like that before I picked up her skirt. She had taken full advantage of the incident. It was not what I wanted in a relationship.
The tension between Katie and me was palatable. I was happy to go to work to get out of the house and not have to deal with her or her mother, who obviously was also a party to my feminization. While I had saved a bit of money from my job, I was in no position to leave the house and get my own place. I called mother and asked if I could come home. She refused, her reason being that I would be more likely to be found out at home. For the time being I was stuck.
The office was a lot less pleasant with Zack gone. I found myself eating lunch alone or on occasion with one or two of the other girls in the office but it was hard for me to get close to them since I had little in common with them, not the least of which was our different genders.
About a month after he left I came home to find a letter waiting for me from Canada. I felt my heart soar. I grabbed it off the table and raced upstairs to my room. I locked the door and lay down on my bed. I tore open the letter.
Dear Emma,
As you probably guessed from the postmark I made it to Canada. I am living in an apartment with two other guys who are also avoiding the draft. I found a job and it pays enough so I can afford the rent, food, and a bit extra. It is not what I want from life but I refuse to go to Vietnam and get my head blown off. I hope to enroll in the local college in the fall. I talked to them and when they receive my high school transcript they will decide whether or not to enroll me.
I miss you so much. I loved having lunch with you every day and our dates on my last two nights were more than I could have ever hoped for. Please write. I really do believe I am in love with you.
Zack
I cried as I read his letter. It seemed that I was doing that a lot lately. I cursed those damn hormones. I realized I had waited too long but had to tell him the truth. I sat down at my vanity, took out some writing paper and began a letter to him.
Dear Zack,
What I am about to tell you will most probably be a great shock. I never meant to hurt you. I thought of you as my friend when we got together for lunch every day. When you asked me to join you for dinner and a movie that Friday night, in my mind we were two friends getting together after work. Something happened when we kissed good night. I felt it and I believe you felt it also.
When you called the next day and asked me to the show my acceptance was an act of impulse. After thinking about it I saw it as an opportunity to tell you that it wouldn’t work out between us. You preempted me when you told me about your plans. I assumed that we would not be in contact after that evening. I could say it was to spare you the hurt, but it would be a lie. I was a coward and for that I am greatly sorry. Now it is time to tell you about me.
I am not a girl. I am a boy who is pretending to be a girl to escape the draft. It has not been my choice to do this. It was imposed on me by my mother and nanny. Yes I have had a nanny from the time I was 6 years old. For reasons I can’t go into in a letter, I spent much of my childhood dressed like a girl. That’s why the impersonation has not been very hard for me. I have had much practice. It was imposed on me to help me hide from the Army, after I enlisted. I guess, like you, I too am wanted by the FBI. There is a lot more to the story but the bottom line is that I deceived you. For that I am terribly sorry. You deserve so much more. It is clear that it can never work out between us. For what it is worth, I am in love with you also and again I am sorry I was not truthful with you.
I will love you always,
Emma
I fully expected never to hear from him again. Though it felt cowardly, I was grateful I did not have to face him in person. I posted the letter the next morning on my way to work.
My relationship with Katie deteriorated further. There was little warmth between us. She tried to get closer to me but I rebuffed her. I had been deceived and she was a part of the deception. My warm feelings for her had evaporated. The idea of resuming my male identity and moving to Canada was appealing.
For the first time since I had arrived I stripped naked and took a good look at myself in the mirror. Aside from my tiny cock, which had clearly shrunk, and my miniscule balls, a girl stared back at me. I realized I could not pass as a man. My body had changed far more drastically than I ever could imagine and I had no idea how to get it back to where it was, or if it was even possible. For the time being I decided to continue taking the birth control pills until I could figure out another plan.
About two weeks later another letter from Canada arrived. Again, I took it up to my room and locked the door to read it. I was not looking forward to reading it but knew I had to. Whatever he might say to me I surely deserved.
Dear Emma,
I was so happy to receive your letter. I sensed something different about you, but could not identify what it was. I would never have guessed that you are not a girl. But, for me you are a girl. Don’t think I will stop loving you because of that slight abnormality. I have always been attracted to members of both sexes. You are the best of both. As for it not working out between us, I strongly disagree. If you love me as you say you do, come to Canada and live with me as my girl friend. I really believe we can make it work.
I love you,
Zack
By the time I finished reading his letter I was bawling like a baby, only this time they were tears of happiness. Whatever life would be like in Canada, it had to be better than it was here. When I wrote Zack telling him when I would arrive I had checked bus schedules and made my plans. I said nothing about it to Katie and Aunt Bridget, believing I owed them nothing. I did not give notice at work for fear that Aunt Bridget would learn about it. I intended to just disappear.
I sneaked out of the house one night after they had gone to bed and took a taxi to the bus depot. There was an overnight bus that would take me to Toronto. It would take a day and a half arriving in the early morning. I could not wait to see Zack and the bus ride seemed interminable.
My heart soared as we pulled into the bus terminal and I saw Zack standing there. He wrapped his arms around me and squeezed me. Oblivious to everyone else we shared a long and passionate kiss. I felt his erection against my belly and smiled inwardly. I looked forward taking care of it for him.
He had borrowed a car from one of his roommates and drove me to the house he was sharing. It was still early and his roommate’s were asleep.
“You will meet them later today” he told me and taking my hand he led me up to his room. He set my suitcase down and once again wrapped his arms around me. I held his face in my hands as he kissed me. He grabbed the zipper on my dress and pulled it down. He stepped back and pulled my dress off my shoulders, letting it drop to the floor. Then he kissed me again and lifted my slip up over my head, tossing it on the floor smiling the whole time.
He knelt down and pulled down my pantyhose. I stepped out of them. That was followed by my panty girdle and panties. My tiny cock sprang out and nearly hit him in the face. He looked up at me and smiled.
He did not hesitate for one second and took me in his mouth. I had never had a blow job before. In fact, my only sexual experience had been the blow job I gave to Zack months ago. He was experienced though and took me to the brink before backing off. He did this several times until I was begging him for release. He pulled away but grasped my cock with his hand. He looked up at me and smiled.
“I think you’re ready now” he said softly.
He took all of me into his mouth and licked my cock until I exploded. It was by far the best orgasm of my life. He swallowed every drop, draining me dry. When he finally released me he stood up and pulled me to him, kissing me. Then he lifted me in his arms and gently lay me on his bed. He quickly removed his clothes, lay down behind me, and pulled me close to him.
We cuddled with Zack’s arms around me, holding me close. It felt like a slice of heaven to me. After awhile I felt him unsnap my bra and stick his hand inside it to caress my breast. I moaned at the sensation and I soon felt his manhood pressing against my ass. We were both incredibly turned on.
He rolled me on my back and spreading my legs he knelt between them. He reached into the drawer of his night table and took out a jar. Opening it, he dipped his fingers in it covering them with cream and rubbed it on his cock. Then, taking more on his fingers he inserted them into my anus. I gasped involuntarily. It was not painful as I would have expected but to my surprise incredibly arousing.
He worked his fingers in and out and I found myself with what passed for an erection. When he felt I was sufficiently lubricated, he lifted my legs and placed them over his shoulders, exposing my ass.
“I will be gentle” he assured me when he saw how nervous I was.
Slowly he slowly inserted his cock into my ass and stopped when the head was in. He waited for me to give him the go ahead and he penetrated a little more. It hurt a little bit but was tolerable. I focused on my desire to please him. Before too long I had taken all of him and it felt good to have him inside me. Slowly he pulled out until only the head of his cock was inside me and equally slowly he pushed in. He kept this up and as I became well lubricated the pain subsided and I was feeling unexpected pleasure.
“Touch yourself!” He commanded and continued to fuck me.
I could not believe how good it felt and masturbated while he fucked me.
“I’m gonna cum!” he said and I felt his warm semen spurt inside of me. It sent me over the edge and I too came sending my semen all over my stomach and chest. He collapsed next to me.
“That was awesome” he said and I could only nod my head in agreement.
“You made quite a mess” he said with a smile.
He leaned over and began to lick up my semen. When he was done he kissed me, giving me taste of myself. Then he lay down on his side and pulled me close to him. He wrapped his arms around me, one hand holding my breast. I felt his flaccid penis in the crack of my ass. In minutes he was asleep.
I lay awake for some time. It was erotic knowing his seed was inside of me. I decided that if this was what life would be like, I would happily live with him as his girlfriend.
END
A really good story, love that it worked out with him. Funny that he wanted to go and wound up with an actual daft dodger, life can be funny sometimes.
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